Things boys do better than girls - Part 1

This week's post is the first in a series of lectures I presented to a small, green fern which sits beside my computer monitor. I have entitled this series "Things boys do better than girls" not owing to any jealousy or inherent disdain for the "fairer sex"; rather it is my desire to highlight the unequivocal supremacy of males in certain aspects of the the order of life.

Requests for the audio series of this lecture may be made to:

Things boys do better than girls - series (include lecture number)
Attn: The plant behind the computer monitor
Andrew's bedroom, left wall
Ipswich, U.K. 33245

Lecture one:

First of all let me begin by saying that it was very gracious of you, being a small, slightly green fern to welcome me in such a gracious manner and to so attentively listen as I rambled incessantly on.

As any sentient being knows, there are a great many things which boys do that are far superior to the things girls do and it is my intention throughout this series to highlight them in the hopes that someone will become enraged or at least mildly irritated and also to initiate a rivalry of sorts between girls and boys on the subjects I present. The first and most obvious action in which boys are far superior to girls is the act of eating dirt. Before you begin shouting "that's not bloody fair!" at your screen or the audio player, let me remind you that I am a scientist and everything described in these lectures will have been tested according to the scientific method.

Now, to continue, when I discovered that boys were far superior to girls in the eating of dirt, I began developing hypothoses which might explain or at least demonsrate this important fact. I asked the following questions:

1. Do boys generally live closer to dirt?
2. Does dirt have an attraction to boys?
3. Are boys electronegative compared to dirt?
4. Does dirt not like girls?

After much investigation I determined that none of these questions even began to explain how boys might be better at eating dirt than girls. Then, one morning as I and the plant began discussing this subject, I hit upon it.

May I have the first slide please? Yes, thank you.

Here we have Ascaris Lumbricoides. (plant has waved slightly in approval or perhaps from the ceiling fan)

Ascaris Lumbricoides is an intestinal roundworm found mainly in males which lives in soil (Dirt). It lives in the human body and breeds, (sometimes as many as 200,000 eggs in 1 - day) and are ingested from soil, then multiply and pass through the digestive system and into the pulmonary system, through the walls of the Alveoli and into the respiratory tract. They then are re-digested in the intestinal tract and start the whole things all over again. The discovery of large numbers of this parasite in males vs. the relatively few incidences of infection in femals is proof positive that boys are far superior to girls in the eating of dirt.

One can imagine the elation I experienced having discovered this proof. I must say that at the risk of sounding boorish or perhaps even a bit conceited, it is now my belief that I am much better at finding intestinal parasites in boys than girls are. Perhaps a subject for another lecture?

At any rate, it has been my great pleasure to lecture before you and my thanks go to the academy for all of its support during my long minutes (O.K. seconds) of painstaking research.